I’ve lost that lovin’ feeling

I originally wanted to make the theme of my Blogs all about Correctional Nursing, but so much has happened in the last while that I have lost the passion for what I do. I find myself dreading work more than ever and looking forward more and more to the day I retire. Many times I have resurrected my retirement plan in hopes of being able to accelerate it, looking for a glitch in the system which states “we miscalculated your exit date and you are now able to retire with an unreduced pension–immediately”, but alas each time I look at it and crunch the numbers, it looks the same as it did the last time.

On my days off, I sit in my back room staring out the window, sipping my coffee wondering “What happened?” trying to piece together the descent of my passion for my work, if you can call it that. I have worked most of my career in psychiatric nursing in 5 of the largest psychiatric facilities in Ontario for almost 30 years. That wasn’t where my passion lay. It is when I found Correctional Nursing, although my second favorite job was when I was employed in the Forensic Services unit in one of those major Mental Health Centres.

I found Correctional Nursing late in my career, mostly because of availablility for my particular status. I’m an RPN (Registered Practical Nurse) and until 2001, there were no positions available for this in any Correctional Facility in Canada. I was among one of the first in Canada and am quite proud of this fact. I was in my 50′s when I was hired and for the demand of the job, it was to say the least a challenge. And my demise. A year ago I couldn’t take the pain any more in my hip and went to my MD. He diagnosed me with Greater Trochanteric Bursitis, better known as hip bursitis. It is an inflammation in the bursae in your hip. And believe me, it is painful when full blown. The 3 main causes are excessive walking(or running), stair climbing and standing for long periods at a time, all 3 of which were a daily part of my job, every day–all day on concrete floors. There were no breaks, no easier tasks to lighten the load from time to time.  But I loved doing it, I loved being busy all day, and I loved the challenge of the job. I loved the autonomy this particular job gave me. I’m an organizer and a fanatic about organization.

Unfortunately, the Bursitis put an end to the fast pace I was accustomed to and my MD put me on an accommodation at work which meant lighter duties. Now here is where the real, but different challenge comes in—trying to deal with the negativity that comes with the accommodation. I believe of everything there that has been considered negative about the environment I work in, this was the one which broke me, which has given me the most grief and has lessened my satisfaction about my job the most.

In January I was given an assignment as part of my accommodation working in the Mental Health dept. I gave up a great rotation with 9 days off every 2 months and 3 day weekends for this, because I wanted to do it. I had experience to say the least in Mental Health and the staffing in our mental health department was almost non existent with only 1 Mental Health RN trying to take on a 1200 inmate jail, in a society which has failed those with mental health issues and a large portion of this population now end up in jail instead of mental health facilities. Apparently Mental Health is still at the bottom of the pile when it comes to priority.

I was relieved for the new challenge and excited to take it on, but wasn’t prepared for what I got. More negativity and blocks. I was unprepared for the fact that others did not consider Mental Health to be a priority, that others saw my position as disposable, that others thought someone more qualified should have been chosen? I was and still am miffed at the negativity I have been faced with, and it has been the most responsible element of my current apathy towards my job.

I am ready to retire, but unfortunately it is not economically sound for me at this time. I deal with pain on a daily basis, some days are better than others, and I am greatful for the days that are better. I am a reasonable person and have worked hard at my job. I know when the pain is becoming too much and I need to back off and pace myself, but when managers don’t listen, it becomes frustrating and increases my anger.

Well, this isn’t meant as a bitch blog, so that is all I’ll say about management .

I’m thinking I’ll have to change the category of my blog theme now, as I doubt very much I have the desire left to talk about correctional nursing. Maybe when I retire I can revisit it again once in a while and reminisce LOL